Chapter One: How Long Lord

I cried out to God “HOW LONG, Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you,’Violence!’ but you do not save? Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrongdoing? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife and conflict abounds.
The law is paralyzed and justice never prevails. The wicked surround the righteous, so that justice is perverted.”
The Lord replied “Look, watch and be utterly amazed.
For I am doing something in your days
that you would not believe
even if I told you.”
~Habakkuk 1:2-5

The beginning of a new year always reminds me of the beginning of my own unraveling that began…now 5 years ago. My 2018 began with an understanding that I needed to write my story. I could not have known how profoundly therapeutic the process of writing my life would be. 5 years ago I started this blog called Out From The Inside where I published new chapters, one at a time, every few weeks. Each time I wrote a new chapter, the experience was the equivalent of an hours-long therapy session. It was painful, yet healing, to write it. Healing rarely happens quickly, yet 5 years has gone by in the blink of an eye.

This blog still has some sparse traffic, so I keep the website up and running. It’s fun to see that people still read through those chapters, and it’s nice to have something to give people for reading if they want to learn more about my life. These days, I am truly in a place of peace. If you know me, you know where I’m at. I’ve experienced a miracle. I can look at my enemies through a lens of love.

When I wrote Out From The Inside 5 years ago I was only able to see those enemies through a lens of fear. I wrote while looking through that lens as well. The fear was a large part of why I never stated names in the blog. I was afraid of the repercussions to come from speaking out, I was afraid of the inevitable social media mess that follows whenever this topic is addressed. It seemed safer to keep everything anonymous. I told myself that it was the high road, the classier thing to do. Avoid conflict.

So I told my story in the only way I felt I could. To be honest, at that point in my life I wasn’t really interested in going back in time to think about it all. I wanted to keep living, to keep moving forward. I thought that writing about my life would be a fun little project…until I got to Chapter 2: Obedience Brings Blessings, Disobedience Brings Consequences.

I finished that chapter and felt like a train had just hit me. I was mentally beat up and exhausted. I was physically shaking with nerves as I published it because my pastor -Fletcher Brothers- had come up in my writing quite a lot and I hadn’t really planned on him being the focal point of my life story. Yet as I typed it became clear quite quickly that this man was central to every drop of fear I experienced in my life. I panicked as I published Chapter 2 because it was the first time in my life I had publicly spoken out against him. After a lifetime of believing in him and loving (fearing) him wholeheartedly, protecting his reputation at all costs…my body’s nervous system was freaking out, screaming “Mary, do not do this! You are going to get yourself into so much trouble.” I remember hitting the publish button, putting my phone down and walking away from it. Did I feel empowered? NOPE! Did I feel like this was actually going to be a long, hard, painful journey that was going to cost me some things? Yes. From that day on, I looked at the blog in a new, incredibly sober way. It scared me. And I needed to do it.

The entire writing process was like a light exposing the dark in my mind. As I wrote I saw Fletcher Brothers as he was, for the first time. I learned things as my readers did. I am so grateful this is all documented. And by the end of those chapters, a miracle, an epiphany, a shift happened. I not only saw this man as he was, I lost my fear of him.

What followed was a wild and crazy deconstruction of anything I believed that had ties to that man…which ended up being all of it. My eyes were open and I couldn’t unsee. I also wanted to speak out. Seeing the harm caused in my own life also gave me eyes to see it in other people’s lives. Freedom Village was not the only abusive, cult-like church in history and Fletcher Brothers is not the first abusive, narcissistic pastor. I could see that each passing day Fletcher or his son Jeremy are free and unaccountable, was another day victims will suffer. “How long, Lord?!” is a prayer that always accompanies my thoughts about those two men. They are emotional, mental, psychological and sexual predators, many people know it, yet they are never held to any lasting or real account. Many people have spoken out against them…this is actually how they were prevented from moving Freedom Village to South Carolina when NY State shut them down. Victims spoke out against Fletcher and Jeremy enough until the community they were looking to move to refused to let them in. Yet, after it all, neither Fletcher or Jeremy seem to be able to see themselves or what they have done to people. No amount of truth exposure appears to have swayed either of them towards repentance or any real legal accountability. This has made me angry for the last few years.

It has made me question…do I want them to see themselves clearly so that they will be condemned, or so that they will be saved? I believe in mercy. I have no problem receiving the grace that God pours out each day. It is in that same spirit that I can freely give grace away. The most recent development of my story, which will be told in these new chapters, is that in my receiving of grace, I have begun to learn about the heart of God towards us ALL. I have begun to get to know this crucified God who died loving and forgiving his enemies. This shepherd who leaves an entire flock of obedient sheep to go after -no matter how long it takes-the one disobedient, ignorant and wandering sheep.

I have discovered a truth that has changed my mind, my perspective, and so much of my worldview as I knew it. This is a God who saves both the oppressed and the oppressor.

I want to be like this God. Call it an absurd journey, but I am after the heart of God. This God seeks for none to be lost. How can accountability and grace co-exist? I believe for some, the only way they can ever truly be held accountable in their souls is to have all influence over others removed from them. They must be ALONE with themselves (and God, for he is not far from any one of us). It is just as much of a mercy to remove an abuser from their victim as it is to remove a victim from their abuser.

In these chapters, you will read true stories. I will name names and I will expose things that have managed to stay hidden. But I will not try to expose darkness with more darkness. I am healing. I don’t want anyone to be condemned. I will tell the truth, like I always have. I want to expose what these men have done, in a way that I haven’t seen yet. Revealing the pain through detailed storytelling, documenting my healing process, and praying God has mercy on their souls. The truth must keep being told, no matter what. And truth (when told with grace) will not hurt what it won’t also heal. So let my words bring healing, to the oppressed and the oppressor. Let my words expose the darkness, not to bring shame or condemnation on the sinner, but to expel the very darkness that has blinded them and their victims. Let my words partner with the light and oppose the dark. Let them help.