I know exactly how you feel. Like everything is just…so…hard. Somehow the more work you put into your faith, the more exhausted and unhappy you become. You try to keep the sin out of your life, but most of the time you do exactly what you are trying to avoid. You’re afraid of being found out, afraid of believing a false Gospel, afraid of backsliding…afraid, afraid, afraid. So you do the best you can. You do everything right.
It’s the legalist trap…right actions, with wrong motivations.
If you are a legalistic Christian and are pressing into God, seeking His guidance and asking to see truth, you better be prepared and willing to let go of so many things. So many good things. That are good for you. Because He is going to bring you to a place of total dependence on HIM, and zero dependence on yourself. After all, you’ve been working yourself to the bone, white knuckling this entire journey of faith, believing it’s supposed to be really hard and exhausting. The harder the better, right? Because you’re gonna be so strong. Hold your eyelids up as you study your bible, memorizing it into the wee hours of the morning, because surely if you can study enough, you will be more right about things. You come all this way, only to be able to constantly reassure yourself that you are good.
God will send you through a season of massive amounts of GRACE, until you finally understand it. This will look, on the surface, like you can do whatever you want. Which is going to ignite such a blazing fear in you, and that fear will tell you to RUN in the other direction. It is, after all, the total opposite of how you have been living this whole time. You’ve spent years honing your personal character and avoiding anything that could possibly be a sin. Maybe it’s the clothes you wear, or the music you listen to, or the perfect attendance and service at church. He’s going to reveal to you that none of it matters like you think it matters. And that will shatter your perfectly constructed idol you’ve built of yourself.
Remember the rich young ruler? Now that I can read the scriptures without condemnation, I realize what a beautiful and simple story it is. Christ tells the man that despite his lifetime of keeping every commandment, He still lacks one thing. Nothing could be more discouraging for a legalist to hear. Keeping the law is like trying to hold 100 balloons in your two arms…there is no room to add more. Christ says, “You still lack one thing…release it all.” He does not require us to add any more works, He requires us to release, to repent, to change our minds about who we are. If your identity is found in your ability to follow the rules, it will crush you.
You see, if you have been doing any of these spiritual duties because you think they make you good, then you do not understand the very basic love of God. You don’t understand the gospel. And when you don’t understand these fundamentals, you are seeing God only partially. There is a veil over your eyes.
To know Him as Jesus knew Him…as Father, you will need to understand grace. You actually can do whatever you want. It’s called free will, and God likes it that way. He wants you to make your own decisions and learn from making the wrong and right ones.
Here is what you will have to come to understand: You can do whatever you want, and nothing you ever do (or don’t do) will affect or change the fact that you belong to God.
Belonging does not hinge on behavior. My kids can make their own choices and do whatever they want. Good and bad behavior will have their consequences, but nothing can change that they are mine. This is familial love. They will always be mine because…they are! And I want them, no matter what. How much MORE does our Heavenly Father want us?!
Legalistic people don’t yet understand or comprehend this truth about God. He will help you understand it through what feels like releasing all of your good behavior. If you can do that, you will realize the love of God and the profound identity you have in Him. Out of that understanding will grow something you probably never knew you were lacking…true love for God. This will allow for pure motivations, not tarnished by fear, but rather this new powerful love. Expect to entirely drop certain behaviors, beliefs, traditions and even doctrines. You’ll realize they’re filthy rags and you can move much more freely without them.
But also expect to pick former disciplines and “good” behaviors back up again. Now you will be able to accomplish things with ease that used to feel like such a challenge. The things you used to white-knuckle will feel like second nature, because your motivation has changed from fear to love.
Be prepared to put some mega blinders on so that you don’t spend too much time looking at your brothers and sisters in Christ. They are God’s children too, and every child requires instructions given in different ways. Thankfully we have THE most patient Father!
Lastly, expect a lot of resentment and accusations from brothers and sisters in Christ who are still legalistic. Your freedom will make them uneasy and even angry at you. Have grace, especially because you know how that lifestyle feels. Their judgement of you will sting much less if you keep your blinders on and stay in your own lane. Turn your eyes upon Jesus and look long and FULL into His wonderful face. Don’t run and try to hide from the waves of fear that will crash over you. Let them come. Surrender your fear to your Father and let them push you further into His deep, deep love. Remember that this increasingly intimate relationship is producing good fruits and that’s how you know you’re “doing it right.” There will be no more self-fruits…no more self-confidence, self-reliance, self-righteousness, or self-consciousness. There will be love, joy, and peace. The real kind.
And all that good fruit is really just a result of Him shining clearly through you, so even in your “righteousness” you’ll rest easy.
He is the one who does the work, and He never changes. Your mutual love will help you grow stronger in your ability to stay close to Him. And when you are prone to wander and leave the God you love, remember He knows that about you and go back to your very first lesson…GRACE. Keep returning to grace and watch as it becomes the theme of every day. You will freely accept grace and not be afraid to use it. His grace for you will become the lens you see yourself through, and finally…you will see everyone else through this lens. And that will make every step of the journey worth it.
Every legalist is driven by fear. The reason it feels so hard to live this way is because we are combining two things which can never mix: fear and love. You cannot serve the God of love by means of fear. Let my life be proof that if we rely on the grace of God, if we abandon the ways of fear and believe in this ridiculous love of God, it will cast out fear. And that is pure freedom for every exhausted legalist.
Rest easy, my friends. Until next time…:)