"On the outside, you're free to roam. On the outside, you've found a home. On the outside, there's more to see. On the outside, we choose to be…" —needtobreathe
I typically say that my recent “awakening” happened at the beginning of 2019. What I’ve come to realize, though, is that it really all began in January 2018.You can call it a spiritual awakening, or the deconstruction of my faith…whatever it was, I remember coming to a place much like Jacob did when he wrestled … Read more this man called Jesus
When I was in middle school I had a t shirt with the three monkeys representing the philosophy of “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” on the front. You’ve probably seen them at some point in your life. They’re three little monkeys sitting next to one another. One has its hands over … Read more Chapter Three: Fear No Evil
So much of my life has been spent in church. I don’t mean an actual church building, although I’ve also spent a huge amount of time in other people’s church buildings. The Freedom Village church was a fluorescent-lit chapel within an old administration building, with long pews and a massive pulpit planted front and center. … Read more Chapter Two: Pulpits & Pedestals
I cried out to God “HOW LONG, Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you,’Violence!’ but you do not save? Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrongdoing? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife and conflict abounds.The law is … Read more Chapter One: How Long Lord
At the moment I have 332 entries in the Notes app on my phone. A few months into the deconstruction of my faith (which you can read all about in my blog post titled ”Deconstructing Sandcastles”) I began to opt for unriddling my thoughts using my phone rather than pen and paper. My hand was … Read more Father
I know exactly how you feel. Like everything is just…so…hard. Somehow the more work you put into your faith, the more exhausted and unhappy you become. You try to keep the sin out of your life, but most of the time you do exactly what you are trying to avoid. You’re afraid of being found … Read more Letter To The Exhausted Legalist
When I think about dancing, it’s the same as if I were thinking about aspects of my own personality, or my eye color, or my height. Dancing is a part of me. I was born to be a dancer. God knew that the musical genetics of my family, combined with the creative brain He designed … Read more ~Reverence~ The End of a Season with Dance
Well, hello there! You may have been wondering where I’ve been. Or, probably you haven’t. This blog certainly has had a weird existence, beginning roughly 8-9 years ago when I was a young mom. I needed a place to write my thoughts down, and mostly I was reaching out to see if anyone else felt … Read more Deconstructing Sandcastles: A Church Kid’s Journey Through Doubt
Five months ago, as I was unraveling the tangled ball of thread that is my belief, I came upon one thread that I knew was important. Not just important, but critical. As I worked through the knots of grey threading, I had suddenly pulled out a thick cord of scarlet red. One year earlier, I … Read more What Would You Do: If God stood before you right now?
Today, my unriddling comes from a controversial topic amongst Christians: “Can you lose your salvation?” If salvation is a gift, can or will God decide that you are actually not worthy enough for it (no, duh) and take back His gift? Or is it more of a question if we can return that gift? Can … Read more Salvation: Can we lose or return the gift?
If you were to ask people why they don’t believe in God, many would say they can’t get behind the concept of a “loving God” who allows such suffering on this earth. If He is in control, why can’t He stop kids from getting cancer or the suffering of billions of “good” people? Even darker, … Read more Why does God allow suffering?
I’ve been away from writing for a little while, and what has gone on with me in the meantime has pushed me full force back to this laptop, bursting with the best part of my story that’s yet to be told.I believe this is the most important chapter I’ve ever written. I’m writing specifically to … Read more THAT GIRL IS GONE.
I have never felt like leaving the ministry I grew up in was the wrong decision. In fact, one of the things that makes the least sense to me is how so, so many people have gone back there after leaving. I can confidently say that there is NOTHING in the world that could convince … Read more CHAPTER 11 ~OUT FROM THE INSIDE~
My eyes opened to bright streaks of sunshine pouring in through the windows. The air felt cleaner and fresher, even as I watched tiny dust particles dance in the beams of early morning sun. The curtains were new…white sheer flowing ones that we had pulled out of a box in an attempt to make the … Read more CHAPTER 10 ~LEAVING~
During the years of 2008-2009, Mike and I settled into being married and our positions within the ministry. He worked very long and emotionally taxing hours as a boy’s dean, and I ran the girls’ school. I enjoyed teaching, and honestly felt like I learned and began to understand so much more academically as a … Read more Chapter 9 ~THE FORBIDDEN THOUGHT~