“Can you imagine growing up in a small shed with the belief that if you opened the door, you’d be vaporized? What if one day, in despair, you cried out to an unseen God that if there was more to life, He’d show you truth?? A voice speaks to you then, telling you to fling that door open and get OUT of there!
But everything in your mind and thought patterns tells you that certain death is on the other side of that door!
My manipulated mind was that shed. And last year, I got so tired of being trapped in it, living with no true power, peace, hope, joy or purpose because I only ever felt fear. So in despair, I cried out once and for all to see truth, because I couldn’t love this God I believed in.
A voice spoke: “That God doesn’t exist.”
That was the equivalent of being told to leave my prison. I could leave? Just like that??
But if I denounced what I believed about God…the cost was too high. I could…what? What would the worst case scenario be? I go to Hell? No, because I am saved. Then what? I might be cursed to live a spiritual Hell on earth as I walk through this life?
That was already happening!!!!!!!
The legalistic religious system had failed, and my doubt was actually the first step of opening the door of my prison cell.
And I stepped through it. Not because I am brave. I am not “spiritual” or “on fire” for God. I am under the influence of something else, something other than fear for the first time. I am living in the Spirit, and HE is the only reason I have continued to grow, find freedom and become healthier in my mind, body and spirit.
The call to be “filled with the Spirit” is not there to inspire us to chase some experience where we all fall over and shake on the floor. I know now that I experienced that filling in January, and it continues until today. All I did was seek truth and relinquish control. I gave permission to the Spirit of Almighty God in all His LONG suffering to take control.
The TRUTH blew me away. I had been so wrong about the nature of God. I had been so wrong about how He saw me. He immediately tore lies to shreds and showed me the truth about His love. He then began to fill me. It wasn’t an earth-shattering moment. It was all day…in the midst of scenarios where I would normally be afraid, I was calm. Where before, I had lashed out at my kids, I’d laugh with them. Where before I had felt inadequate, I suddenly began to love myself. No amount of constantly “striving to obey rules and be holy” could do this, it was not accomplished by me. Someone else was in control!
It became clear how I had been making things much more complicated than they were. When we become believers, we are given the Spirit as our Helper, our closest friend, the very Spirit of God. He is our joy, peace, love, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and our self control. But He cannot fill us if we do not surrender. It is possible to cling to our religion, and not our Father. Human choice and free will remains, before salvation AND after.
You may think it’s easy to experience this “filling” since you believe and He dwells within you. And He is always at work, I believe. We just don’t recognize Him. Experiencing the bliss of being changed from the inside out, with NO striving of your own comes at a cost.
For me, the cost wasn’t “giving up” a particular habit or things I loved. I had to be willing to BE WRONG about my very core beliefs. My suffering in this life has been spiritual..namely, spiritual abuse. For the first 24 years of my life, I had been pumped full of lies. Lies about my Father, His Spirit, His love, and lies about myself. Yet, it is in our nature to cling to our beliefs, our doctrines, and the things we have been taught.
It never occurred to me that the enemy could seek to destroy and blind God’s children, using false doctrines as his weapons.
The FEAR involved in letting go of the things I have been taught was immense. I could not have moved beyond it without the help of my Father, who I now realize I do not need to fear.
He is waiting to display His power and reveal His nature to anyone who is ready to be under His influence. You can choose to be filled once, or stay being filled. Again, it’s not some sci-fi experience. Sometimes it is nothing more than a shift in perspective when I wouldn’t otherwise understand. It’s the moment a certain verse or chapter in Scripture makes perfect sense that has confounded me before.
A Christian can ONLY bear good fruit when under the influence of the Spirit. I read my Bible because I genuinely crave it, not because I am “disciplined.” *I* cannot accomplish any of this on my own. *I* don’t sacrifice things because it’s just what I’m supposed to do to be holy. I am changing my life gradually with the gentle conviction of my Helper, which produces genuine excitement and empowerment. It has nothing to do with me, other than taking the responsive step of surrender.”